Man, the new year always starts with everyone trying to be better, right? My dad, Frank, he's all about tightening up, especially when it comes to me. He's got this idea that I'm too "wimpy," and honestly, he's not wrong about some things, like how I still wear Mom's fluffy bathrobe to stay warm. But he doesn't get that it's for warmth, not because I'm trying to be unmanly. And then there's the whole issue of junk food; Mom's trying to cut back, but I caught Dad in the garage, red-handed, with a stash of brownies. So much for resolutions.
Things really start to get rough when the school bus route gets rezoned, meaning Rowley and I have to walk a quarter mile to school. It's a huge pain, especially when I'm trying to make a good impression on Holly Hills, the new girl I'm trying to impress. Every time I try to talk to her, or even just be near her, something embarrassing happens. Like the time Mom had to bring my forgotten bag to school and walked right into my class with Holly in it. Or when I put a twenty-dollar bill in the collection plate at church instead of a dollar, hoping to look good for Holly, and then tried to get it back.
Dad's constantly comparing me to his boss's kids, who are always out playing sports and doing "manly" things. He even signed me up for soccer, which was a disaster. I mostly just chased the ball or sat on the bench freezing. When I finally got a chance as goalie, we lost. It was a humiliating mess. Dad's really worried about me, especially after catching me in the laundry basket, which was just a strategic hiding spot to figure out who was stealing my snacks.
The biggest problem is Dad's obsession with Spag Union, this military academy. He's convinced it'll “toughen me up.” He even became friends with this guy, Lenwood Heath, who used to be a delinquent but apparently got all straightened out there. Dad started showing me commercials for the place, and it looked like a nightmare. That's when I knew I had to do something drastic. I decided to join the Boy Scouts, thinking if I could prove I was capable of doing outdoor activities, Dad would drop the whole military school idea.
So, Rowley and I signed up for Troop 133. I figured it would be all hot dog roasts and pool parties, which sounded pretty good. We even started whittling. But then came the father-son camping trip, which was supposed to be my big chance to impress Dad. Of course, I got sick, and Dad ended up in a chaotic situation with a bunch of unruly kids. It seemed like all my efforts to avoid Spag Union were pointless.
Despite all the setbacks, I kept trying to avoid that military academy. I even tried to improve my grades for a group project, but my group members were useless, and I ended up plagiarizing from the internet. That just made things worse. I even messed up a field trip to the park, accidentally ruining Holly's picnic. It felt like everything I did backfired.
The threat of military school loomed over me like a dark cloud. Dad had me on a short leash, constantly reminding me that if I didn't shape up, I was shipped out. I made some half-hearted attempts to be better, like waking up early and doing chores, but I always reverted to my old habits.
Then, something completely unexpected happened. There was this school event, and through a series of accidental maneuvers, I somehow managed to save the day. It wasn't planned heroism, just pure dumb luck, but it impressed Dad enough to make him reconsider his harsh stance. He decided to give me another chance, which was a massive relief. For now, I'm safe from Spag Union, and I can go back to coasting through life, at least until the next crisis.
