So sad today : ensayos íntimos

There's this hum beneath everything, a low thrum of anxiety and dread that started long ago but truly seized hold in a harrowing cycle of panic attacks. It was in that abyss, in the fall of 2012, that an anonymous voice began to whisper its darkest feelings into the digital ether, a stream of consciousness that became @sosadtoday. This is where those whispers deepen, transforming into raw, unflinching shouts and vulnerable confessions, grappling with the relentless absurdity of being a person in this modern world.

Life, it turns out, is a constant negotiation with an insatiable spiritual hole. You try to fill it with anything: food, then men, then drugs, then alcohol. You chase after love, desperate for a connection that might transport you, make you feel less alone, only to find yourself still staring into that same void, perhaps with another person suffocating in there alongside you. There's a particular kind of romantic obsession, a fantasy that never quite dies, even when it's going okay, or rather, not going okay at all.

The committee in your head, that relentless chorus of self-destructive tendencies, never truly sleeps. It greets you at dawn with terrible ideas, whispering that everything is shit and it's time to act impulsively. You try to keep pushing yourself out the door, maintaining social masks of competence and comfort, but what if you just let it all out? What if you valued your own peace of mind over what others think, even if it meant vanishing entirely?

Each essay is a plunge into a specific corner of this internal landscape, from the intricacies of sexting and the perplexing allure of a vomit fetish, to the stark reality of chronic illness and the relentless grip of addiction. It's a journey through low self-esteem, the drama of waiting for the universe to text you back, and the unsettling question of how much mental illness is "acceptable" before it's "too much."

There are moments of startling clarity, conversations with a higher self where you grapple with the fear of containing multitudes, of not having to be all or nothing. You recognize that sadness can be a strange kind of control, a feeling that if you let yourself be happy, it will surely be snatched away. It's a battle against the instinct to hide in a little hole with gummy candy and Wi-Fi, to simply exist behind a screen where the world feels less real, less threatening.

Yet, through all the raw confession and dark humor, there's a bleak beauty to it, an unflinching honesty that makes you realize you're not alone in these messy, uncomfortable feelings. It's a testament to the messy, fucked-up reality of being human, a direct confrontation with the existential dread and self-loathing that often lurk beneath the surface. There are no easy answers, no prescriptions for sadness, only the shared experience of trying to navigate the bewildering landscape of one's own mind, often with a laugh, sometimes with a tear, but always with an undeniable, resonant truth.