Ubaw po pachy

Okay, so I guess I'm supposed to write in this thing now. My mom, she thinks it's a "journal," but let's be real, it's a diary. And if there's one thing you need to know about middle school, it's that you do NOT get caught with a diary. This whole thing is her idea, a way for me to "express myself" and for her to, I don't know, keep tabs on me or something. But whatever, maybe if I write down all the dumb stuff that happens, I can avoid it next year. Because let me tell you, middle school is practically a jungle, and I'm just trying to survive without getting eaten by gorillas, or worse, getting stuck with the Cheese Touch.

The Cheese Touch, by the way, is this legend about a moldy piece of cheese on the blacktop. If you touch it, you get the Cheese Touch, and then everyone avoids you like you've got the plague. The last kid who got it moved all the way to California, which, frankly, sounds like a pretty good escape plan if you ask me. Anyway, my best friend, Rowley, he's kind of, well, oblivious. He's always doing embarrassing stuff, which usually ends up making me look bad by association. Like, he still rides his Big Wheel and listens to Loded Diper, which is my older brother Rodrick's band, and they're definitely not cool.

Rodrick is basically my personal tormentor. He's always pulling pranks and getting me into trouble, and somehow, he never gets caught. Then there's Manny, my little brother, who's completely spoiled rotten. He gets away with everything, even drawing on my door with permanent marker. My dad, Frank, he's always trying to get me to go outside and play sports, instead of, you know, doing important stuff like playing video games. It's like nobody in my family understands the complexities of middle school social hierarchy.

I spent a good chunk of the year trying to boost my popularity. I tried out for the school play, mostly because I thought it would make me look good, but I ended up as a tree. Pathetic, right? I even ran for class treasurer, but my campaign posters, which were mostly just making fun of my opponent, didn't exactly go over well with the vice principal. Then there was that whole incident with the Safety Patrol. Rowley and I volunteered, and I thought it would be a good way to get some power, but it just ended with Rowley breaking his hand because of a game I invented where I threw a football at him while he was on his Big Wheel. He got all this sympathy at school, which was totally unfair because it was *my* idea.

Things really took a turn when Rowley started getting more popular than me. He even got his own comic strip in the school newspaper, "Zoo-Wee Mama!" which was originally my idea! It felt like everything I tried to do to climb the social ladder just backfired, and Rowley, without even trying, was soaring past me. Our friendship got pretty strained, especially after he took the fall for something I did involving some kindergarteners and dog poop.

But then Halloween rolled around, and that was a disaster. Rowley and I got chased by some teenagers, and we had to hide at my grandma's house. Later, my dad thought we were older kids trying to egg our house, so he drenched us with water. It was humiliating. The year ended with another run-in with those same teenagers. They cornered us, and one of them actually forced Rowley to eat the Cheese! The next day, the Cheese was gone, and everyone was wondering what happened. I knew it was only a matter of time before someone figured out we were involved.

So, I made a quick decision. I pretended I had touched the Cheese, and everyone scattered, leaving me with the Cheese Touch. It was a sacrifice, sure, but it saved Rowley. Now I'm the one everyone avoids, but at least our friendship is back on track. I guess that's just how middle school goes. You try to be popular, you try to fit in, and sometimes, you just end up with the Cheese Touch. But hey, at least I've got this diary to write it all down.