Positives The book is widely praised for filling a significant gap in relationship literature by uniquely applying attachment theory to consensual non-monogamous relationships. Many reviewers highlight its accessible and readable explanation of complex attachment theory and the impact of trauma, presented without unnecessary jargon or heteronormative biases. Readers found it highly effective for self-reflection, enabling them to understand their own relational patterns and fostering a non-judgmental approach to personal history. The book is lauded for destigmatizing consensual non-monogamy, making it understandable for a broad audience, and for offering practical strategies to cultivate secure attachment not only with others but also with oneself. Its acknowledgment of systemic factors influencing relationships is also appreciated.
Negatives Conversely, some readers found the initial sections on fundamental attachment theory and non-monogamy concepts to be repetitive if they were already familiar with these topics. Concerns were raised regarding the scientific accuracy of certain aspects of its attachment theory presentation, with some perceiving it as an oversimplification. Several reviewers felt the book lacked depth in addressing diverse experiences, particularly concerning structural oppression, transphobia, economic precarity, and racial dynamics, suggesting a focus on a specific, privileged demographic. Criticisms also included the author's personal anecdotes and the inclusion of references to pseudoscientific concepts. A notable point of contention is the argument that the book's framework might inadvertently encourage self-blame for relationship problems, potentially obscuring external circumstances or partner contributions and leading to prolonged dissatisfaction in relationships.
Conclusion Despite these varied criticisms, the book is largely regarded as a valuable and often essential resource in its field. It is particularly recommended for individuals currently practicing or exploring ethical non-monogamy, as well as for therapists who work with this community. Beyond its specific focus, many reviewers suggest that its insights into adult attachment theory and fostering a secure relationship with oneself are beneficial for anyone interested in understanding their relational dynamics, cultivating more intentional connections, or challenging ingrained monogamous and heteronormative assumptions. Ultimately, the book serves as a significant catalyst for personal reflection and discussion, providing tools to navigate and enhance a wide range of interpersonal relationships.
