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Go to My LibraryIf I Stay
- Language
- English
- Published in
- Publisher
- Penguin USA, Inc.
- ISBN
- 9781101044582
As the hours unfold, Mia is forced to look back on her life, revisiting her deepest relationships, her passion for music, and the choices that have defined her. Now, she faces the only choice that truly matters. She must decide whether to wake up to a world of unimaginable grief and loss, or to let go and leave it all behind. This story explores the profound power of memory and the ultimate decision between a life that has been and a future that is unknown.
Subjects
Original edition details
Other editions (10)
Other editions

If I Stay
2010 • National Geographic Books
English

If I Stay
2021 • Penguin
English

If I Stay
2009 • Penguin
English

If I Stay
2014 • Penguin Publishing Group
English

If I Stay
2018 • Penguin
English

If I Stay A Novel
2010 • Dutton Books
English

If I Stay
2010 • Definitions
English

If I Stay Special Edition
2019 • Penguin
English

If I Stay Gayle Forman (English Edition)
2015 • CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform
English

If I Stay
2009 • Random House Children's Books
English
You wouldn't expect the radio to work afterward. But it does. The music plays on, a bizarre soundtrack to the carnage. I am standing in a ditch, looking down at myself in the same jean skirt and black boots I put on this morning. The car is an eviscerated metal skeleton. I see Dad first, his pipe still in his jacket pocket, pieces of his brain scattered on the asphalt like cauliflower. Then Mom, her eyes a ghastly red, killed instantly. A hummingbird of panic ricochets through me - Teddy! Where is Teddy? I run back toward the ditch where I first stood and see a small hand sticking out. But as I get closer, I see the glint of a silver bracelet with tiny cello and guitar charms. The one Adam gave me. It's my bracelet. It's my hand. The body lying broken in the snow is mine.
This cannot be happening. I scream at myself to wake up, but my breath doesn't smoke in the cold air. I pinch my own arm and feel nothing. I have become a ghost, a spectator to my own tragedy. The paramedics arrive, their voices urgent as they work on my body, calling out my Glasgow Coma Score. They put a sheet over Dad and zip Mom into a plastic bag. I learn later that Teddy is alive, whisked away in another ambulance. Me, I am loaded onto a helicopter, a bystander on my own frantic flight, watching the medics pump a small bag that breathes for me as the green Oregon landscape rushes by below. I wonder if Adam is in Portland already, asleep in a hotel room, waiting for a girlfriend who will be both early and impossibly late.
As my body is rushed into surgery, I am adrift in memory. I see myself at my first recital, ten years old and paralyzed by stage fright, hiding outside until Dad found me. He confessed his own ferocious jitters before shows, how he used to get wasted to cope. “Social services frowns on drunk ten-year-olds,” he'd joked, his arm around my shoulder. “You don't get over the jitters. You just work through it. You just hang in there.” I remember meeting Adam in the school's music wing, this cool, quiet boy with a lopsided smile who watched me practice. I was sure he was making fun of me, the serious girl with the hulking instrument. Then he asked me if I'd ever heard of “this Yo-Yo Ma dude,” and with two weeks of his pizza-delivery tips, he bought tickets to the symphony. That night, sitting in the nosebleed seats, he reached over and took my hand, his eyes closed, lost in the music just as I was.
In the sterile, timeless world of the ICU, I learn that I am in a coma, and I hear a nurse tell my grandparents something that changes everything: “She's running the show.” The choice, I realize with a terrifying certainty, is mine. If I stay, if I live, it's up to me. How can I possibly decide? My family begins to gather in the waiting room - aunts, uncles, cousins, a somber vigil of familiar faces. My best friend, Kim, arrives, her usual sarcastic wit a shield against her mother's tears. She finds the hospital chapel and speaks to me as if I'm sitting right beside her. “Please don't die,” she pleads. “If you die, there's going to be one of those cheesy Princess Diana memorials at school... I know you'd hate that kind of thing.”
Then Adam is here, his face a blank mask of shock. When a nurse tells him only immediate family can visit, I see him crumple, and Kim catches him, bearing his weight. Their shared love for me forges a bond between them I had always wanted but never achieved. Later, he returns with an army of punk rockers and the indie-rock goddess Brooke Vega, a harebrained scheme to create a diversion so he can sneak in to see me. The plan is a chaotic failure, but just as he's being dragged away, my mom's best friend, Willow, appears. She is a nurse, a force of nature, and she takes charge. I feel a surge of hope, but it dies in my throat as I realize why she's here, at my hospital, and not at her own. And that's how I know. Teddy. He's gone, too.
I am completely alone now. The thought of waking up an orphan, of never again smelling Dad's pipe or hearing Mom's laugh or reading Teddy another chapter of *Harry Potter*, is a weight too heavy to bear. I am running out of fight. Gramps comes to my bedside, his face streaked with silent, unending tears. He leans close and whispers, “It's okay. If you want to go. Everyone wants you to stay... But I could see why it might not be what you want. So I just wanted to tell you that I understand if you go. It's okay if you want to stop fighting.” His words are a gift, a release. For the first time, someone has acknowledged the profound gravity of what I have lost, and what staying would cost.
Just as I am preparing to let go, Adam returns. He sinks into the chair beside me, his voice a raw whisper. “Stay,” he pleads, tears streaming down his face. “If you stay, I'll do whatever you want. I'll quit the band, go with you to New York. But if you need me to go away, I'll do that, too... I can lose you like that if I don't lose you today. I'll let you go. If you stay.” He places a pair of headphones over my ears, and the sound of a cello fills the room. It's Yo-Yo Ma.
The music shatters me. A flood of images - past, present, and future - collides in my mind. Breakfast with my family. Three graves on a hillside. Walking through New York City with Kim. Lying by the river with Adam. The word *orphan*. The pain of staying will be agonizing, a crater in my soul that will never be filled. But then, through the fog, I feel something. Not the memory of a touch, but the physical pressure of Adam's hand holding mine. The feelings - grief, love, loss, hope - threaten to crack my chest open. The only way to survive them is to hold on. I summon every ounce of strength from my family, my friends, from Adam, from myself, and focus it all into my right hand. I picture my fingers on a cello bow, intertwined with Adam's. And then, with the last bit of fight I have left, I squeeze.
His grip tightens, as if his hand is holding my entire body, ready to lift me out of this bed. I hear the sharp intake of his breath, and then the sound of his voice, clear and real.
“Mia?” he asks.
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Rating Sources
The book is widely praised for its profound emotional impact, with many readers describing it as deeply moving, heartbreaking, and a significant tearjerker that elicits strong feelings from laughter to sorrow. Reviewers frequently commend the author's beautiful and evocative writing style, noting its ability to create tender moments from simple details and to convey emotions with striking clarity. The characters, particularly the protagonist Mia and her family, are consistently highlighted as real, well-developed, and endearing, fostering a strong connection with the audience. The intricate relationships within the story, including those with family, friends, and a romantic interest, are often cited as a major strength. Furthermore, the seamless integration of music throughout the narrative is celebrated for enriching the emotional landscape and bringing characters closer.
Despite its strengths, the book also drew criticism from several readers. A recurring complaint concerns the perceived lack of a strong plot, with some describing the narrative as a "jumbled mess of memories" or feeling aimless rather than driven by a cohesive storyline. The frequent transitions between past and present were sometimes found distracting, leading some to skim sections. Critics also felt the book lacked originality, often citing it as predictable and filled with clichés. Character development was a point of contention; while many loved Mia, others found her to be too perfect, lacking depth, or even "emotionless." Similarly, her parents were sometimes described as unrealistic or overly idealized. A notable divergence in opinion was the book's emotional impact, with a significant number of reviewers reporting that it failed to move them to tears or left them feeling bored. Specific scenes were occasionally deemed "cheesy" or awkward, detracting from the overall experience.
Ultimately, the book emerges as a divisive read, capable of profoundly affecting some readers while leaving others underwhelmed. It is often regarded as a poignant and introspective story that explores themes of love, loss, family bonds, and the weight of life-altering decisions. The book is recommended for readers who appreciate deeply emotional, character-driven narratives and are prepared for a reflective journey rather than a fast-paced plot. It particularly appeals to fans of contemporary Young Adult fiction who enjoy stories that provoke thought about life's preciousness and the importance of relationships. However, those seeking complex plots, groundbreaking originality, or who prefer to avoid stories that some might perceive as overly sentimental, may find it less engaging.
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